The therapy and the choices I've made
So it's been a few months since I started my therapy sessions and I was most definitely right that they'd be hard.
Opening up in detail has been really hard and draining. It left me with this incredible sadness that I couldn't explain it reason with for a while. H explained to me that once you actually talk about the trauma and analyse the feelings you had at the time and have carried around for so long you start to let those feelings go and grieve the reality of the trauma.
This sadness is huge. H has encouraged me to open up and talk about the trauma and this ongoing sadness,its the only way I'll be able to get it go and stop carrying it around with me.
He was right about the lows of this therapy,work it's physically and mentally exhausting. Some days have been particularly hard.
A few Sunday's ago I woke up and wanted to die. I couldn't handle any more of this. It was too much. I actually picked up the phone and told my mum I wanted to die. It was the first time I'd ever told anyone other than my ex this out loud.
Mum talked to me until I calmed down,they I ended up sleeping most of that day and have had trouble socialising and pretty much anything other than work.
And now this week I'm feeling great and positive and have been out. I have that exploring bug again and while I'm here I'm.riding this wave of light and positivity.