Saturday, 12 May 2018

The ups and downs of therapy

The therapy and the choices I've made

So it's been a few months since I started my therapy sessions and I was most definitely right that they'd be hard.

Opening up in detail has been really hard and draining. It left me with this incredible sadness that I couldn't explain it reason with for a while. H explained to me that once you actually talk about the trauma and analyse the feelings you had at the time and have carried around for so long you start to let those feelings go and grieve the reality of the trauma.

This sadness is huge. H has encouraged me to open up and talk about the trauma and this ongoing sadness,its the only way I'll be able to get it go and stop carrying it around with me.

He was right about the lows of this therapy,work it's physically and mentally exhausting. Some days have been particularly hard.

A few Sunday's ago I woke up and wanted to die. I couldn't handle any more of this. It was too much. I actually picked up the phone and told my mum I wanted to die. It was the first time I'd ever told anyone other than my ex this out loud.

Mum talked to me until I calmed down,they I ended up sleeping most of that day and have had trouble socialising and pretty much anything other than work.

And now this week I'm feeling great and positive and have been out. I have that exploring bug again and while I'm here I'm.riding this wave of light and positivity.

Tuesday, 13 February 2018


I had my second session of psychotherapy today. It’s very draining and emotional dealing with traumatic events of the past but I know ultimately it will benefit me moving forward.

H’s explanation of what we are looking to achieve in the sessions made perfect sense to me. I’m very analytical and love a good metaphor or analogy. He says what has basically happened is I have experiences several traumatic events and as I haven’t ever had the opportunity to fully deal with them they’re just a jumbled bunch of boxes thrown into a cupboard in any order. It’s time to take each box out one by one and sort them.

Next session I start reliving therapy. It’s described as : The client is asked to recount the trauma in detail. A recording is made and the client is asked to listen to the recording on a daily basis. This approach draws on a behavioural rationale of exposing the person to the trauma, until they habituate to the threat and the fear reduces. It is primarily based on a behavioural exposure and habituation rationale. However, it is time consuming and peri-traumatic appraisals are often associated with emotions other than fear including shame, embarrassment, horror, sadness, anger etc. These emotions are less likely to respond to an habituation approach. “



As if that wasn’t inviting enough I was told that I should be met after my session by someone I like spending time with. So I’m prepared now for some rough sessions.  I’m exhausted from today’s but I know it’s all part of this healing process.


If you’re looking for signposting to anywhere I started with MIND, they are a great resource of help

Tuesday, 6 February 2018

Living your best life??

Am I living my best life?

I attended my friend Jess’  (@thefatfunnyone on social media) at weekend and watched her and the panel talk about living our best lives. One of her speakers Adam got me right in the feels. He said something in the words of if you were to die today would you die happy knowing you had lived a full life that made you happy ?

I sat there and felt simultaneously heartbroken and motivated.  I hadn’t lived my best life for me in quite a while but have been slowly working on it via therapy and taking an active approach at being more sociable.

I used to LOVE going out but crippling anxiety and depression removed that little spark in me so I’ve been slowly building that up. It hit me again before the event at weekend. I almost cancelled; I almost didn’t go because I was too scared to be around so many strangers in person and that I wouldn’t fit in as a woman as I rocked my shirt and bow tie…. I gave my head a shake and I said I have to be me unapologetically. And as I sat there listening to Jess, Aliss and Adam my smile got wider and wider. Jess sent me a picture today and it captured that moment of realisation of I’m on my right path BUT I need to do more.

Quite honestly it lit a fire underneath me. Fear has been holding me back and worrying what other people may think.

I want to travel and see places, so i'm putting a plan in action and I’m going to do it! I want to live my best life, being more sociable, less afraid and discover new places and I’m the only one who can do it.

I decided Mondays will now be movie Mondays and I’m taking myself off to the cinema. I kept thinking “god people might think I’m a right weirdo going on my own” but when I thought about it logically you go to movies to watch the film not to hang out with your friends so does it really matter if anyone else is sat next to you or not? I’ve even been to bingo on my own and had a great night, so why am I stopping myself from doing other things?

I might start out on adventures on my own, but who knows who I will meet along the way?

Monday, 11 December 2017


I know I’ve been very quiet and there have been reasons….my mental health. I’ve really struggled this year. I’ve always had the underlying PTSD but obsessing over weight and being in that whole “insta famous” (ugghhhh I wasn’t but that’s what people called it) bubble really effed me up big time.  I spent a lot of time stepping away from diet culture and learning to love myself and it all went a bit Pete Tong and I just spiralled.

PTSD really took a hold of me, I have been having flash backs and nightmares and felt so low and vulnerable and I just chose to hide . I haven’t felt like myself for a long time, I lost myself completely, felt numb and so low and some days I couldn’t leave the flat, I felt incredible darkness and the suicidal thoughts have been constantly nagging at me, but I know to ignore them and that’s a massive step for me. I was very anti social and when I did go out I’d feel panicky .

Some days I faked it and I went out despite feeling like I was dying inside. I don’t know how else to explain it, the chaos of the outside world just felt overwhelming. I stopped all volunteering and had a break from that.  

I also decided it would be fun to slip a disc in my back and trap the sciatic nerve so I’ve spent two months barely being able to walk, being on a crutch and having physio that hurts like hell.  That also just made me hide away, I couldn’t deal with that and the PTSD. I got rid of the crutch last week and now have this amazing gangsta limp (ain’t nothing but an Emma G thing Baby!!)

I truly let it consume me and was drowning. But Im working on it with counselling (shout out to to K the best counsellor EVER!), I’ve got some crystals and salt lamps and am relaxing ( I might get to full meditation at some point lol).

It’s early days but I feel like I’m coming through the other side. I see the brightness, I see good things and most importantly I’m feeling them.  I’m beginning to fall asleep much better (Thanks to this magic Lush Twilight spray and sleepy lotion). I’ve started back at volunteering (as much as my dodgy back will allow) and I look forward to leaving the flat and exploring the world again.

 Ironically it will be New Year, New Me (hate those saying lols). I’m not making any resolutions other than keeping working on myself and taking in any life lessons and making the best of what I have.